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By The McElroy Family

How to avoid interacting with someone you know in public?

Co-authored by Justin McElroy et al

Every conversation you have in public is a chance for the public at large to discover your many secret failings. But you are a human being with certain inalienable rights; chief among them is “freedom from speech.” Noone can make you talk to them for any reason. But what about when you see Cathy who you used to go to church with at the Whole Foods? What then, poindexter? Lube up your slide ruler and slide over to these rules.

Before You’re In Public

Keep your grades up – If your grades are too bad, you may take longer to graduate so you’ll interact with more people. You’ll also increase the “people i went to highschool” subset by 25%. You also don’t want to get in trouble with your parents or teachers and you have to set a good example for your nephew, Stephen Google.

Close some loops – In a polite way, talk to the people in your life who you no longer require about the completion of your personal relationship. Use phrases like “it has run its course” or “a pleasure doing pleasure with you.” You might want to ask for their acceptance of the situation in writing, perhaps a non-discussion agreement.

Spider-Man mask – You get it. Also maybe an upside down kiss.

A pencil sketch of a spider-man mask. There is a speech bubble next to it that says, “Wec it to the max!”

Submit yourself to the night – Become a creature of shadow, unseen in the day. Haunt the alleyways the harsh light of the sun never kisses. Crime is your bedroom now.

Travel by sewer – Legally we do not recommend this, especially if you seem like the sort of person who would die in a sewer.

Wear a hand-made midrift shirt reading “Don’t Even Talk To Me”

A pencil drawing of a figure in a spider-man mask and a crop top. The top says, “Don’t even talk to me.”

Avoiding the Situation

Don’t go to the Jersey Shore – Just havin’ some fun with words. A little levity, if’n you please?

Stay ever vigilant, always. Stay permanently vigilant forever. Never let your guard down. Sleep in shifts with yourself.

A pencil sketch of two people talking to each other. The one on the left has a speech bubble that says, “Tom?!” The figure on the right looks upset. There is a large “no” symbol over the two figures.

Hire a tall person to walk behind – (Are we legally allowed to hire on the basis of height?)

A pencil sketch of a shirtless figure wearing shorts. The figure has large horns on its head. There is a speech bubble next to it that says, “What’s up?” to the left of the figure is a large capital M in a serif font.

Turn your countenance toward the earth as though you’re contemplating your many mortal sins. Don’t fake it either, you know? Don’t waste the time, time lost is blood lost. Just think about the sins.

A pencil sketch of a figure looking down. The figure has a speech bubble above their head that says, “What have I done?”

Go fast outside – But not so fast that you look scared or like you’re running away from something. It’s an exercise vibe. Shake your head back and forth really fast too, like a practical blur. Serpentine? Let us know.

Practice the wall-facing shuffle – Scuttle like a little scared daddy longlegs crab guy, facing the wall. Try the Spider-Man costume, which makes the wall-facing redundant in hindsight.

Oops, You’ve Been Spotted

Remember, number one, your god-given rights NO MATTER WHAT noone can talk to you for any reason.

Use Your Fear – Yes, let it power you. Fear makes juice in your body which makes your mind go faster and your body go stronger. It’s the Limitless pill, except free, and you make it inside you.

A pencil sketch of a figure clutching its stomach. There is a speech bubble next to it that says, “I’m gonna poop!” There is a circle drawn around the figure.

Utilize tech – “Sorry, my bank’s on the phone, and I have just lost everything.” Skyhook. Hoverboard, zoom away! Later, tell them you don’t know how to do it.

A pencil sketch of a figure holding up one finger with a cell phone in its other hand. There is a speech bubble next to it that says, “I have to take this.”

Go faster outside – You have nobody to blame but yourself. If you had been faster earlier, you wouldn’t be in this mess.

Dump a drink on yourself – NOT HOT, NOT ACID. As you’re attempting to WARMLY greet your friend, you transform yourself into a wet person. No one wants to interact with a soggy guy.

Seem too cool to talk to – Tip of the hat, little sexy wink, “shush finger.” Now they feel like they’re in on “it.”

A pencil sketch of a figure with one eye closed and one finger held up to its lips. There is a speech bubble next to it that says, “Shhh.”

Pod person shriek – LAST RESORT

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